Ep 162: RANKed: Privy’s Best Toilet Paper
RANKed: The Best TP in the Market according to Privy
Welcome to Privy, the podcast about bathrooms, recorded in the bathroom. In this special episode, we dive deep into The Best Toilet Paper, ranking 11 different brands to determine which TP reigns supreme. Using a variety of rigorous tests, we put these rolls through their paces to separate the stank from the thank!
The Testing Criteria
To ensure a fair evaluation, each toilet paper was judged based on:
The Snozz Test – How well does it hold up when blowing your nose?
The Sloppy Mud Pie Test – How effective is it at cleaning up a mess?
The Absorbency Test – Can it soak up spills effectively?
The Tearability Test – Does it tear easily along the perforation?
The Throwability Test – How well does it work for classic TP vandalism?
The Snowman Test – How well does it wrap when making a toilet paper snowman?
The Hands-On Test – The ultimate real-life butt test.
The Contenders
The brands tested include:
Scott 1000
Simple Truth Organic
Dollar Store Tissue
Honeycomb Bamboo
Kroger Blue Bag
Angel Soft
Great Value Blue Bag
Kirkland Signature
Cottonelle
Quilted Northern
Charmin
The Results: Ranked Worst to Best
11. Scott 1000 – The Absolute Worst
Scott 1000 is thin, rough, and unreliable. It performed horribly across all tests, ripping easily and offering little to no absorbency.
10. Simple Truth Organic – A Green Disappointment
Despite being environmentally friendly, this toilet paper was rough, ineffective, and ranked just above Scott for slightly better thickness.
9. Dollar Store Tissue – Surprisingly Decent for the Price
At just 25 cents per roll, this budget-friendly option held up better than expected. However, it lacked softness and overall performance.
8. Honeycomb Bamboo – Strong but Not Soft
Durable and sustainable, but not plush enough to be a top contender. This bamboo option is good for eco-conscious consumers but lacks comfort.
7. Kroger Blue Bag – A Swing and a Miss
Marketed as an affordable alternative to premium brands, Kroger TP didn’t quite live up to expectations, falling behind its competitors in quality.
6. Angel Soft – Big Roll, Moderate Quality
Despite its impressive size, Angel Soft wasn’t the softest or most absorbent. A solid middle-of-the-pack choice but not revolutionary.
5. Great Value Blue Bag – The Budget Star
Walmart’s Great Value Blue Bag outperformed Kroger, proving to be soft, durable, and well-priced. A great alternative to more expensive brands.
4. Kirkland Signature – A Costco Classic
A favorite among Costco shoppers, this reliable and cost-effective TP held its own. While not the best, it’s an excellent value pick.
3. Cottonelle – The Dark Horse
Cottonelle’s textured ridges provided superior durability and grip, making it one of the best options for a thorough clean.
2. Quilted Northern – The Softest Option
Unmatched in softness, Quilted Northern feels like a luxury wipe every time. However, it wasn’t as durable as the top contender.
1. Charmin – The Best of the Best
The ultimate winner of our ranking was Charmin, thanks to its perfect balance of softness, durability, and ease of use. It’s a premium TP that lives up to its reputation.
Final Thoughts: Which Toilet Paper Should You Buy?
If you want the best overall experience, Charmin is the way to go. For budget-conscious buyers, Great Value Blue Bag or Kirkland Signature offers a solid balance between cost and quality. If softness is your priority, Quilted Northern is unbeatable.
Join the Conversation!
What’s your go-to toilet paper? Do you agree with our rankings? Leave a comment below or follow us on @privycast for more bathroom-related content. And remember:
Keep pooping in the free world, own your stank, and don’t forget to flush!
