Ep 2: Toilet Paper
Toilet Paper
This week, we're diving into a topic that is near and dear to my heart—and even closer to my bottom: toilet paper. This humble yet essential product plays a crucial role in our daily lives, yet we rarely stop to appreciate how good we have it. Right now, I’m staring at a roll of Kirkland Signature bath tissue, which claims to have 425 sheets per roll. I’ve never counted, but I have no reason to doubt them.
If you think about it, we are living in the golden age of bathroom hygiene. We have countless options when it comes to selecting the perfect material for our wiping needs. There’s the budget-friendly, yet effective Kirkland Signature, the tissue-paper-thin variety found in most office buildings, and the ultra-luxurious, triple-ply, bear-fur-soft rolls you could practically take a nap on. The variety is endless!
As we start the new year, take a moment to appreciate just how fortunate we are to have toilet paper—something disposable, hygienic, and readily available. This wasn’t always the case. Throughout history, people have had to get creative with their wiping methods, often using some truly bizarre alternatives.
A Brief and Bizarre History of Wiping
Long before the advent of toilet paper, humans employed a variety of materials for post-bathroom cleanup. Here are just a few items that have been used throughout history:
Fabric – Makes sense.
Leaves & Bark – Hard pass on the bark.
Sticks & Palm Branches – Why? Just why?
Snow – Refreshing? Maybe. Freezing? Definitely.
Moss – Soft, but questionable on hygiene.
Corn Husks & Cobs – We need to talk about this one.
Now, let’s take a moment to discuss the corn cob situation. At some point in history, people decided that using a corn cob was preferable to using their hand. Imagine finishing your business and reaching for an eaten cob to clean yourself. It’s a horrifying thought. And if you’ve ever eaten too much corn, well… let’s just say that the idea of corn making a full-circle return to the cob is unsettling.
The Evolution of Toilet Paper
Thankfully, civilization moved past sticks and corn cobs. The first recorded use of toilet paper was by a Chinese emperor in 1390. Not only did he have sheets of toilet paper, but they were perfumed to combat lingering odors. Whether they were merely scented or fully soaked in fragrance is unclear, but the thought of wiping with a lavender-scented sheet is intriguing.
Despite its existence, toilet paper remained a luxury for centuries. It wasn’t until 1857 that Joseph Gayetty introduced the first commercially packaged toilet paper, marketed as “medicated paper” infused with aloe. Gayetty, oddly proud of his invention, printed his name on every sheet. Despite this personal branding, his product was too costly and failed to catch on.
Enter Seth Wheeler, who had the game-changing idea of putting toilet paper on a roll in 1871. He even introduced perforated sheets, though let’s be honest—sometimes tearing along those perforations is more of a suggestion than a reality. Wheeler’s patent has since sparked the great over-versus-under debate, with his design showing that toilet paper is meant to hang over the front. (Not that this will stop my spouse and me from arguing about it.)
The Rise of the Scott Paper Company
Following Wheeler’s innovation, the Scott Paper Company began producing toilet paper in rolls, though at first, they refused to put their name on it. Unlike Gayetty, they didn’t want to be associated with something used for, well… wiping. However, by 1902, they embraced their role in bathroom history and launched Waldorf Toilet Paper.
At the same time, indoor plumbing was becoming more common, making toilet paper even more essential. No one wanted to clog up their fancy new pipes with leaves or fabric. The Scott Paper Company capitalized on this shift, refining their product over the years to make it softer, stronger, and more practical.
The Toilet Paper We Know and Love Today
Fast forward to the present, and we have endless options for toilet paper—perforated, multi-ply, extra-soft, eco-friendly, and even novelty printed rolls. Despite all these choices, my personal go-to is still Kirkland Signature. It’s affordable, soft, and reliable. Most importantly, it has never failed me with an unfortunate “hole punch” incident (which I cannot say for some cheaper brands).
A Moment of Gratitude
If nothing else, let’s take a moment to be thankful that we live in a time where toilet paper exists. We no longer have to reach for a stick, a snowball, or—heaven forbid—a corn cob. We’ve come a long way in our bathroom hygiene, and for that, our bottoms are eternally grateful.
